Some thinking music I think.
Miserere Mei Deus
Any Other Name(American Beauty)
Trois Gymnopédies: I. Lent Et Douloureux
KRWLNG (the Myleene Klass version)
Cinema Paradiso Love Theme
The Entire album of Ludovico Einaudi/ Nightbook
Monday 25 October 2010
Contemplation
Tonight is a night of contemplation. I'm off on "holiday", using that term loosing as holidays are meant to be fun. I try and distract myself with activities and projects. Today I saw through that, with barely anything to draw away my attention I finally confronted the truth. I feel very lonely sometimes.
I never really understood that it was possible to feel so alone when you're surrounded by people. I just assumed it was something cliche and dramatic that Hollywood imagined up; it's really possible. It's a horrible feeling. I am well aware that there are friends reading this( as well as the randomers from all over planet earth
who take the time to read this.) And I do not want pity, I read on someones blog that they felt sorry for me sometimes. I would like to reassure you that I will be OK. I always am, and I like to think of myself as a survivor. An emotional one at least if not a physical one. Gone through enough crap that very little is new to me. Pain, hatred, anger, regret, love, longing, healing. There has been one thing that has gotten me through it all, Music. It has calmed me, healed me and made me feel loved sometimes.
I feel torn sometime between what I do and what I should do. Like telling people the truth. To be honest (irony) I sometimes think that I do certain things because I don't like the world or more specifically the people in it. I feel like I don't owe them the truth, or owe them a favour, but without getting into the psychology of it all, basically I do stupid or crazy things without thinking. It feels more like a part of my nature, if that makes sense? However it is a slumpy time right now. Strong melancholy(trying to avoid depressed because I've seen real depression) has set in and I supposed that I should take this time to think about how things are, and how they ought to be. How I wish the answer to those statements were the same.
My current state of mind has came about through multiple means. Realisation of how much time we have left until Uni. How much work I have to do. How much people annoy me and how much I annoy myself for listening to them. General burdens. The emptiness that Shakespeare has left. Feeling like I was going to cry during my driving lesson when I couldn't do the manoeuvre. How filthy my house is, and how much I hate my mother when she complains how dirty it is when she visits.
Quite frankly, I can't think of anything to write anymore. My mind has become swamped in the marsh of contemplation.I need time to think, I think. On the plus side, Scotland next Monday!!! YEOOOO!!!...*sigh*
James
I never really understood that it was possible to feel so alone when you're surrounded by people. I just assumed it was something cliche and dramatic that Hollywood imagined up; it's really possible. It's a horrible feeling. I am well aware that there are friends reading this( as well as the randomers from all over planet earth
who take the time to read this.) And I do not want pity, I read on someones blog that they felt sorry for me sometimes. I would like to reassure you that I will be OK. I always am, and I like to think of myself as a survivor. An emotional one at least if not a physical one. Gone through enough crap that very little is new to me. Pain, hatred, anger, regret, love, longing, healing. There has been one thing that has gotten me through it all, Music. It has calmed me, healed me and made me feel loved sometimes.
I feel torn sometime between what I do and what I should do. Like telling people the truth. To be honest (irony) I sometimes think that I do certain things because I don't like the world or more specifically the people in it. I feel like I don't owe them the truth, or owe them a favour, but without getting into the psychology of it all, basically I do stupid or crazy things without thinking. It feels more like a part of my nature, if that makes sense? However it is a slumpy time right now. Strong melancholy(trying to avoid depressed because I've seen real depression) has set in and I supposed that I should take this time to think about how things are, and how they ought to be. How I wish the answer to those statements were the same.
My current state of mind has came about through multiple means. Realisation of how much time we have left until Uni. How much work I have to do. How much people annoy me and how much I annoy myself for listening to them. General burdens. The emptiness that Shakespeare has left. Feeling like I was going to cry during my driving lesson when I couldn't do the manoeuvre. How filthy my house is, and how much I hate my mother when she complains how dirty it is when she visits.
Quite frankly, I can't think of anything to write anymore. My mind has become swamped in the marsh of contemplation.I need time to think, I think. On the plus side, Scotland next Monday!!! YEOOOO!!!...*sigh*
James
Thursday 14 October 2010
Bust Busy Busy
Since my last post things have been madness. It's very strange when you dedicate your life to one thing and nothing else for weeks.However, it is over which is kind of a relief but at the same time really sad. Knowing that the usual Shakespeare cast is no more has left me feeling rather melancholic. I do have time of other things now like any form of school work that has been left on the shelf for the past 2 weeks; I do after all need stuff to fill the giant whole in my schedule that rehearsals have left.
Last night was our final performance in the Belfast Waterfront. I had more adrenaline than blood rushing through my veins it was incredible. I love being on stage with the piercing glare of the entire audience acting as one, like on giant black creature that is impossible to truly see with the blinding brilliance of the stage lights.
The other schools productions were... different. The first school performed the tempest in the form of a video game? Very different and interesting concept however I'm not left with that as my final thought. The thing I took away from it was "L...L...LOADING!" It tied in with their theme but took away from the actual play I thought.
Macbeth, performed by my friends in St Mary's from Newry were excellent. Their Lady Macbeth was an amazing actress who performed a dance to show her descent into madness. Their play was actually enjoyable to watch unlike the others.
Oh dear goodness...The Comedy of Errors? The plot is hard enough to follow without the entire cast being female. The entire thing was impossible to follow and when funny bits happened they felt random and out of place. I will leave you with one though for those that were there. "BAACK OFF!!!" - Said the nun?
Finally, our play. We were last in the running order, again for the 4th year running. You'd almost begin to think that there was a reason for that... Quite frankly our play (not to sound big headed of bias even though I am) was stunning. People oooh'd and and people aaah'd. Apparently people cried with laughter and others gave us a standing ovation. Our audience was spectacularly responsive and fueled our performance.
To the Athenians
You were fantastic, all of you! Emma and Kerri. You were stunning, naturally gifted actresses with talent to spare. kerri got an awwwh in her soliliquoy and that helped her to play up to the audience. Emma get her ooooh when she hit Jason in a certain place and when you got hit back by John. Jason and John. What can I say. A match made in heaven... They work so well togetehr they enjoy what they do and they are like yin and yang on stage. Their athleticism and pure talent make their fighting scenes something to behold. The realism is insane! Robert and Kaitlyn. With as few a lines as you had you were a lovely couple, and looked stunning. Mark Chambers... Well, If you forget the smiling and the looking at the audience He has the potential to be really quite good.
To the Fairies and their King and Queen.
Gary, you were strict you acted like a king. I wanted your part to begin with but I changed my mind when I made Peter Quince my own. Rachel, what can I say. You were beautiful; real and true beauty. You looked as though you were born in Eden with the help of a little make up and clever stitching by the fabulous Mrs Hackney. Amazing performance and to think of the irony. You were the queen in the shadows in Hamlet. And now you are the queen of the shadows once again. Fairies, You drove Ms T crazy, Didn't shut up, were rude, sat in the wings and complained constantly! But I would be lying if I said you didn't put on one hell of a performance last night.
To My Beloveds, The Workmen
All of you, no matter how short, how ginger, how black, how loud or how skinny you are this applies to you. You were the stars of the show. You were the ones who made people cry with laughter. The stage presence you guys made of Herculean proportions. You were divine! You were like a jigsaw, It would have been ruined with even a single one of you missing. You were 100% audience powered. The more the audience applauded, the more you became different people and the better you became. A divine and vicious circle. Ranging from transvestism to huge leaps half way across the stage. You blew the other schools out of the water
To All
You were beautiful, you made our performance a force of nature an one to be reckoned with. I am soo proud of all of you all! This being my last year? You made it the best KHS performance yet! BRAVO!!
James
Last night was our final performance in the Belfast Waterfront. I had more adrenaline than blood rushing through my veins it was incredible. I love being on stage with the piercing glare of the entire audience acting as one, like on giant black creature that is impossible to truly see with the blinding brilliance of the stage lights.
The other schools productions were... different. The first school performed the tempest in the form of a video game? Very different and interesting concept however I'm not left with that as my final thought. The thing I took away from it was "L...L...LOADING!" It tied in with their theme but took away from the actual play I thought.
Macbeth, performed by my friends in St Mary's from Newry were excellent. Their Lady Macbeth was an amazing actress who performed a dance to show her descent into madness. Their play was actually enjoyable to watch unlike the others.
Oh dear goodness...The Comedy of Errors? The plot is hard enough to follow without the entire cast being female. The entire thing was impossible to follow and when funny bits happened they felt random and out of place. I will leave you with one though for those that were there. "BAACK OFF!!!" - Said the nun?
Finally, our play. We were last in the running order, again for the 4th year running. You'd almost begin to think that there was a reason for that... Quite frankly our play (not to sound big headed of bias even though I am) was stunning. People oooh'd and and people aaah'd. Apparently people cried with laughter and others gave us a standing ovation. Our audience was spectacularly responsive and fueled our performance.
To the Athenians
You were fantastic, all of you! Emma and Kerri. You were stunning, naturally gifted actresses with talent to spare. kerri got an awwwh in her soliliquoy and that helped her to play up to the audience. Emma get her ooooh when she hit Jason in a certain place and when you got hit back by John. Jason and John. What can I say. A match made in heaven... They work so well togetehr they enjoy what they do and they are like yin and yang on stage. Their athleticism and pure talent make their fighting scenes something to behold. The realism is insane! Robert and Kaitlyn. With as few a lines as you had you were a lovely couple, and looked stunning. Mark Chambers... Well, If you forget the smiling and the looking at the audience He has the potential to be really quite good.
To the Fairies and their King and Queen.
Gary, you were strict you acted like a king. I wanted your part to begin with but I changed my mind when I made Peter Quince my own. Rachel, what can I say. You were beautiful; real and true beauty. You looked as though you were born in Eden with the help of a little make up and clever stitching by the fabulous Mrs Hackney. Amazing performance and to think of the irony. You were the queen in the shadows in Hamlet. And now you are the queen of the shadows once again. Fairies, You drove Ms T crazy, Didn't shut up, were rude, sat in the wings and complained constantly! But I would be lying if I said you didn't put on one hell of a performance last night.
To My Beloveds, The Workmen
All of you, no matter how short, how ginger, how black, how loud or how skinny you are this applies to you. You were the stars of the show. You were the ones who made people cry with laughter. The stage presence you guys made of Herculean proportions. You were divine! You were like a jigsaw, It would have been ruined with even a single one of you missing. You were 100% audience powered. The more the audience applauded, the more you became different people and the better you became. A divine and vicious circle. Ranging from transvestism to huge leaps half way across the stage. You blew the other schools out of the water
To All
You were beautiful, you made our performance a force of nature an one to be reckoned with. I am soo proud of all of you all! This being my last year? You made it the best KHS performance yet! BRAVO!!
James
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