Contemplation

Tonight is a night of contemplation. I'm off on "holiday", using that term loosing as holidays are meant to be fun. I try and distract myself with activities and projects. Today I saw through that, with barely anything to draw away my attention I finally confronted the truth. I feel very lonely sometimes.

I never really understood that it was possible to feel so alone when you're surrounded by people. I just assumed it was something cliche and dramatic that Hollywood imagined up; it's really possible. It's a horrible feeling. I am well aware that there are friends reading this( as well as the randomers from all over planet earth 
who take the time to read this.) And I do not want pity, I read on someones blog that they felt sorry for me sometimes. I would like to reassure you that I will be OK. I always am, and I like to think of myself as a survivor. An emotional one at least if not a physical one. Gone through enough crap that very little is new to me. Pain, hatred, anger, regret, love, longing, healing. There has been one thing that has gotten me through it all, Music. It has calmed me, healed me and made me feel loved sometimes.

I feel torn sometime between what I do and what I should do. Like telling people the truth. To be honest (irony) I sometimes think that I do certain things because I don't like the world or more specifically the people in it. I feel like I don't owe them the truth, or owe them a favour, but without getting into the psychology of it all, basically I do stupid or crazy things without thinking. It feels more like a part of my nature, if that makes sense? However it is a slumpy time right now. Strong melancholy(trying to avoid depressed because I've seen real depression) has set in and I supposed that I should take this time to think about how things are, and how they ought to be. How I wish the answer to those statements were the same.

 My current state of mind has came about through multiple means. Realisation of how much time we have left until Uni. How much work I have to do. How much people annoy me and how much I annoy myself for listening to them. General burdens. The emptiness that Shakespeare has left. Feeling like I was going to cry during my driving lesson when I couldn't do the manoeuvre. How filthy my house is, and how much I hate my mother when she complains how dirty it is when she visits.

Quite frankly, I can't think of anything to write anymore. My mind has become swamped in the marsh of contemplation.I need time to think, I think. On the plus side, Scotland next Monday!!! YEOOOO!!!...*sigh*

James