Some thinking music I think.
Miserere Mei Deus
Any Other Name(American Beauty)
Trois Gymnopédies: I. Lent Et Douloureux
KRWLNG (the Myleene Klass version)
Cinema Paradiso Love Theme
The Entire album of Ludovico Einaudi/ Nightbook
Monday, 25 October 2010
Contemplation
Tonight is a night of contemplation. I'm off on "holiday", using that term loosing as holidays are meant to be fun. I try and distract myself with activities and projects. Today I saw through that, with barely anything to draw away my attention I finally confronted the truth. I feel very lonely sometimes.
I never really understood that it was possible to feel so alone when you're surrounded by people. I just assumed it was something cliche and dramatic that Hollywood imagined up; it's really possible. It's a horrible feeling. I am well aware that there are friends reading this( as well as the randomers from all over planet earth
who take the time to read this.) And I do not want pity, I read on someones blog that they felt sorry for me sometimes. I would like to reassure you that I will be OK. I always am, and I like to think of myself as a survivor. An emotional one at least if not a physical one. Gone through enough crap that very little is new to me. Pain, hatred, anger, regret, love, longing, healing. There has been one thing that has gotten me through it all, Music. It has calmed me, healed me and made me feel loved sometimes.
I feel torn sometime between what I do and what I should do. Like telling people the truth. To be honest (irony) I sometimes think that I do certain things because I don't like the world or more specifically the people in it. I feel like I don't owe them the truth, or owe them a favour, but without getting into the psychology of it all, basically I do stupid or crazy things without thinking. It feels more like a part of my nature, if that makes sense? However it is a slumpy time right now. Strong melancholy(trying to avoid depressed because I've seen real depression) has set in and I supposed that I should take this time to think about how things are, and how they ought to be. How I wish the answer to those statements were the same.
My current state of mind has came about through multiple means. Realisation of how much time we have left until Uni. How much work I have to do. How much people annoy me and how much I annoy myself for listening to them. General burdens. The emptiness that Shakespeare has left. Feeling like I was going to cry during my driving lesson when I couldn't do the manoeuvre. How filthy my house is, and how much I hate my mother when she complains how dirty it is when she visits.
Quite frankly, I can't think of anything to write anymore. My mind has become swamped in the marsh of contemplation.I need time to think, I think. On the plus side, Scotland next Monday!!! YEOOOO!!!...*sigh*
James
I never really understood that it was possible to feel so alone when you're surrounded by people. I just assumed it was something cliche and dramatic that Hollywood imagined up; it's really possible. It's a horrible feeling. I am well aware that there are friends reading this( as well as the randomers from all over planet earth
who take the time to read this.) And I do not want pity, I read on someones blog that they felt sorry for me sometimes. I would like to reassure you that I will be OK. I always am, and I like to think of myself as a survivor. An emotional one at least if not a physical one. Gone through enough crap that very little is new to me. Pain, hatred, anger, regret, love, longing, healing. There has been one thing that has gotten me through it all, Music. It has calmed me, healed me and made me feel loved sometimes.
I feel torn sometime between what I do and what I should do. Like telling people the truth. To be honest (irony) I sometimes think that I do certain things because I don't like the world or more specifically the people in it. I feel like I don't owe them the truth, or owe them a favour, but without getting into the psychology of it all, basically I do stupid or crazy things without thinking. It feels more like a part of my nature, if that makes sense? However it is a slumpy time right now. Strong melancholy(trying to avoid depressed because I've seen real depression) has set in and I supposed that I should take this time to think about how things are, and how they ought to be. How I wish the answer to those statements were the same.
My current state of mind has came about through multiple means. Realisation of how much time we have left until Uni. How much work I have to do. How much people annoy me and how much I annoy myself for listening to them. General burdens. The emptiness that Shakespeare has left. Feeling like I was going to cry during my driving lesson when I couldn't do the manoeuvre. How filthy my house is, and how much I hate my mother when she complains how dirty it is when she visits.
Quite frankly, I can't think of anything to write anymore. My mind has become swamped in the marsh of contemplation.I need time to think, I think. On the plus side, Scotland next Monday!!! YEOOOO!!!...*sigh*
James
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Bust Busy Busy
Since my last post things have been madness. It's very strange when you dedicate your life to one thing and nothing else for weeks.However, it is over which is kind of a relief but at the same time really sad. Knowing that the usual Shakespeare cast is no more has left me feeling rather melancholic. I do have time of other things now like any form of school work that has been left on the shelf for the past 2 weeks; I do after all need stuff to fill the giant whole in my schedule that rehearsals have left.
Last night was our final performance in the Belfast Waterfront. I had more adrenaline than blood rushing through my veins it was incredible. I love being on stage with the piercing glare of the entire audience acting as one, like on giant black creature that is impossible to truly see with the blinding brilliance of the stage lights.
The other schools productions were... different. The first school performed the tempest in the form of a video game? Very different and interesting concept however I'm not left with that as my final thought. The thing I took away from it was "L...L...LOADING!" It tied in with their theme but took away from the actual play I thought.
Macbeth, performed by my friends in St Mary's from Newry were excellent. Their Lady Macbeth was an amazing actress who performed a dance to show her descent into madness. Their play was actually enjoyable to watch unlike the others.
Oh dear goodness...The Comedy of Errors? The plot is hard enough to follow without the entire cast being female. The entire thing was impossible to follow and when funny bits happened they felt random and out of place. I will leave you with one though for those that were there. "BAACK OFF!!!" - Said the nun?
Finally, our play. We were last in the running order, again for the 4th year running. You'd almost begin to think that there was a reason for that... Quite frankly our play (not to sound big headed of bias even though I am) was stunning. People oooh'd and and people aaah'd. Apparently people cried with laughter and others gave us a standing ovation. Our audience was spectacularly responsive and fueled our performance.
To the Athenians
You were fantastic, all of you! Emma and Kerri. You were stunning, naturally gifted actresses with talent to spare. kerri got an awwwh in her soliliquoy and that helped her to play up to the audience. Emma get her ooooh when she hit Jason in a certain place and when you got hit back by John. Jason and John. What can I say. A match made in heaven... They work so well togetehr they enjoy what they do and they are like yin and yang on stage. Their athleticism and pure talent make their fighting scenes something to behold. The realism is insane! Robert and Kaitlyn. With as few a lines as you had you were a lovely couple, and looked stunning. Mark Chambers... Well, If you forget the smiling and the looking at the audience He has the potential to be really quite good.
To the Fairies and their King and Queen.
Gary, you were strict you acted like a king. I wanted your part to begin with but I changed my mind when I made Peter Quince my own. Rachel, what can I say. You were beautiful; real and true beauty. You looked as though you were born in Eden with the help of a little make up and clever stitching by the fabulous Mrs Hackney. Amazing performance and to think of the irony. You were the queen in the shadows in Hamlet. And now you are the queen of the shadows once again. Fairies, You drove Ms T crazy, Didn't shut up, were rude, sat in the wings and complained constantly! But I would be lying if I said you didn't put on one hell of a performance last night.
To My Beloveds, The Workmen
All of you, no matter how short, how ginger, how black, how loud or how skinny you are this applies to you. You were the stars of the show. You were the ones who made people cry with laughter. The stage presence you guys made of Herculean proportions. You were divine! You were like a jigsaw, It would have been ruined with even a single one of you missing. You were 100% audience powered. The more the audience applauded, the more you became different people and the better you became. A divine and vicious circle. Ranging from transvestism to huge leaps half way across the stage. You blew the other schools out of the water
To All
You were beautiful, you made our performance a force of nature an one to be reckoned with. I am soo proud of all of you all! This being my last year? You made it the best KHS performance yet! BRAVO!!
James
Last night was our final performance in the Belfast Waterfront. I had more adrenaline than blood rushing through my veins it was incredible. I love being on stage with the piercing glare of the entire audience acting as one, like on giant black creature that is impossible to truly see with the blinding brilliance of the stage lights.
The other schools productions were... different. The first school performed the tempest in the form of a video game? Very different and interesting concept however I'm not left with that as my final thought. The thing I took away from it was "L...L...LOADING!" It tied in with their theme but took away from the actual play I thought.
Macbeth, performed by my friends in St Mary's from Newry were excellent. Their Lady Macbeth was an amazing actress who performed a dance to show her descent into madness. Their play was actually enjoyable to watch unlike the others.
Oh dear goodness...The Comedy of Errors? The plot is hard enough to follow without the entire cast being female. The entire thing was impossible to follow and when funny bits happened they felt random and out of place. I will leave you with one though for those that were there. "BAACK OFF!!!" - Said the nun?
Finally, our play. We were last in the running order, again for the 4th year running. You'd almost begin to think that there was a reason for that... Quite frankly our play (not to sound big headed of bias even though I am) was stunning. People oooh'd and and people aaah'd. Apparently people cried with laughter and others gave us a standing ovation. Our audience was spectacularly responsive and fueled our performance.
To the Athenians
You were fantastic, all of you! Emma and Kerri. You were stunning, naturally gifted actresses with talent to spare. kerri got an awwwh in her soliliquoy and that helped her to play up to the audience. Emma get her ooooh when she hit Jason in a certain place and when you got hit back by John. Jason and John. What can I say. A match made in heaven... They work so well togetehr they enjoy what they do and they are like yin and yang on stage. Their athleticism and pure talent make their fighting scenes something to behold. The realism is insane! Robert and Kaitlyn. With as few a lines as you had you were a lovely couple, and looked stunning. Mark Chambers... Well, If you forget the smiling and the looking at the audience He has the potential to be really quite good.
To the Fairies and their King and Queen.
Gary, you were strict you acted like a king. I wanted your part to begin with but I changed my mind when I made Peter Quince my own. Rachel, what can I say. You were beautiful; real and true beauty. You looked as though you were born in Eden with the help of a little make up and clever stitching by the fabulous Mrs Hackney. Amazing performance and to think of the irony. You were the queen in the shadows in Hamlet. And now you are the queen of the shadows once again. Fairies, You drove Ms T crazy, Didn't shut up, were rude, sat in the wings and complained constantly! But I would be lying if I said you didn't put on one hell of a performance last night.
To My Beloveds, The Workmen
All of you, no matter how short, how ginger, how black, how loud or how skinny you are this applies to you. You were the stars of the show. You were the ones who made people cry with laughter. The stage presence you guys made of Herculean proportions. You were divine! You were like a jigsaw, It would have been ruined with even a single one of you missing. You were 100% audience powered. The more the audience applauded, the more you became different people and the better you became. A divine and vicious circle. Ranging from transvestism to huge leaps half way across the stage. You blew the other schools out of the water
To All
You were beautiful, you made our performance a force of nature an one to be reckoned with. I am soo proud of all of you all! This being my last year? You made it the best KHS performance yet! BRAVO!!
James
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Never felt so good to be wrong!
The universe has yet again wanted to make itself out to be independent. As soon as I finally settle on the conclusion that my braces are never to be removed; that they were a fact of nature. The sun shall rise, the rain will fall, plants shall grow and James shall forever wear braces. The universe changes it's will and decides that I shall go to the ball! The very metaphorical ball, I shall however achieve my dream of being onstage at the waterfront completely brace-free. 18 days and I shall be like the normal people, obviously only in a dental sense. If my orthodontist were to turn round and say she'd like to keep them on a little longer she will no have very long to live. She is a lovely woman, I happened to mention that it was perfect timing and mentioned A Midsummer Night's Dream so she arranged it that I would have the removed before then. Who knew an orthodontist could be loved so much? Here's to the orally normal and metallic free future!
James
James
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Teeth
Yet again, tomorrow holds another visit to my orthodontist. She is a lovely woman, never shouted at me which I hear is regular practise at other practices. However I do hold some contempt for her as I have endured the discomfort and displeasure of being acquainted with my braces for over two years now.
I hate them. I had to learn how to speak and smile again. The innumerable mouth ulcers they've caused not to mention the week and a half I couldn't eat solid food. I feel my teeth are done and I'm pretty sure they haven't moved in a long time. Dr Claire Armstrong begs to differ; but who am I to make rash claims that she's keeping them on too long. I have seen what getting them off too soon results in and If this will avoid that outcome I'm willing to play along for at least a little longer.
My dream is to have perfect teeth. I, however, doubt that will ever come to pass with the absence of veneers. Some teeth too big, some too small and some too "not in the right place." I'm pretty sure I would scream with excitement if I were told tomorrow that the metallic monsters are going to be removed. Only in my wildest dreams am I on the waterfront stage as (Sir) Peter Quince and smiling with a set of perfectly visible straight teeth and not obscured by the grey mesh of wire and brackets. Also for those wondering, yes I have made peter quince a sir, deal with it. I suppose we shall see. No point in holding out for a miracle. For piece of mind I'll just assume for now that they shall be on indefinitely.
Dedicated to the future dreams of straight visible teeth. May the pain be not in vain.
James
I hate them. I had to learn how to speak and smile again. The innumerable mouth ulcers they've caused not to mention the week and a half I couldn't eat solid food. I feel my teeth are done and I'm pretty sure they haven't moved in a long time. Dr Claire Armstrong begs to differ; but who am I to make rash claims that she's keeping them on too long. I have seen what getting them off too soon results in and If this will avoid that outcome I'm willing to play along for at least a little longer.
My dream is to have perfect teeth. I, however, doubt that will ever come to pass with the absence of veneers. Some teeth too big, some too small and some too "not in the right place." I'm pretty sure I would scream with excitement if I were told tomorrow that the metallic monsters are going to be removed. Only in my wildest dreams am I on the waterfront stage as (Sir) Peter Quince and smiling with a set of perfectly visible straight teeth and not obscured by the grey mesh of wire and brackets. Also for those wondering, yes I have made peter quince a sir, deal with it. I suppose we shall see. No point in holding out for a miracle. For piece of mind I'll just assume for now that they shall be on indefinitely.
Dedicated to the future dreams of straight visible teeth. May the pain be not in vain.
James
Sunday, 19 September 2010
SUM AWESUM PITCHERS!
I thought these photos were awesome, I apologise in advance to Sarah; these may bore her as she has almost completed viewing the entire internet therefore she's probably seen these already.
James
Fear and Pessimism
At first glance these two words seem completely irrelevant to one another. They're not the same and they're not opposites. They have nothing in common despite the fact that they're often confused with each other. By definition fear is a reason for dread, apprehension or anxiety and pessimism is the tendency to stress the negative.
After a chat about our fears and anxieties of university I couldn't help realise that I was using the word fear or scared or some other synonym or those to describe absolute worst case scenarios. Hating your course; getting into debt; getting into the wrong crowd;losing old friends and not making new ones(big one); not liking your roommates; the lack of "real" adult supervision; not getting into university; not having an en suite? I'm not denying the fact that there are real problems that many of us shall have to face but perhaps we're over dramatising it?
Why are we thinking so negatively, the people I know are happy, cheery people and I understand that some people need to get some problems off their chest but things probably won't be anywhere near as bad as we think or make it out to be. Why can't we have a smooth transition and why can't things just be easy in our minds. I make no claim that I have no worries, I just can't help but think that maybe things will just be...fine! Get the grades; make awesome friends that I'll have for the rest of my life; enjoy my course and discover my passion for it; get a safe secure job and just get on with the rest of my life. Do things really have to be all doom and gloom? I refuse to believe they are and to be perfectly honest I don't think I have time to be worrying anyways.
Sometimes you reach a point, where one of two things can happen. Either my mind will set it in stone of I'll hit a moment of sudden crystallising clarity where things suddenly change. From this new perspective I'll achieved on going to university I deny pessimism in this matter and shake off doubt. New mindset...THINGS WILL BE GOOD!.. and I can't wait for them to begin.
*get's suddenly exited about university..^-^*
James
After a chat about our fears and anxieties of university I couldn't help realise that I was using the word fear or scared or some other synonym or those to describe absolute worst case scenarios. Hating your course; getting into debt; getting into the wrong crowd;losing old friends and not making new ones(big one); not liking your roommates; the lack of "real" adult supervision; not getting into university; not having an en suite? I'm not denying the fact that there are real problems that many of us shall have to face but perhaps we're over dramatising it?
Why are we thinking so negatively, the people I know are happy, cheery people and I understand that some people need to get some problems off their chest but things probably won't be anywhere near as bad as we think or make it out to be. Why can't we have a smooth transition and why can't things just be easy in our minds. I make no claim that I have no worries, I just can't help but think that maybe things will just be...fine! Get the grades; make awesome friends that I'll have for the rest of my life; enjoy my course and discover my passion for it; get a safe secure job and just get on with the rest of my life. Do things really have to be all doom and gloom? I refuse to believe they are and to be perfectly honest I don't think I have time to be worrying anyways.
Sometimes you reach a point, where one of two things can happen. Either my mind will set it in stone of I'll hit a moment of sudden crystallising clarity where things suddenly change. From this new perspective I'll achieved on going to university I deny pessimism in this matter and shake off doubt. New mindset...THINGS WILL BE GOOD!.. and I can't wait for them to begin.
*get's suddenly exited about university..^-^*
James
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